My Son, My Mercy

There are many things that I have said and done in my life which I have regretted and wished I hadn't done them in the first place. But the ONLY thing right now that I know I have surely done right, is to have given birth to my 1-year old, Lil' Muhammad. It is a wonder how I have blossomed through my years and it has amazingly escalated since I became a mother. Many used to call me a free-spirit during my years when I was still extremely young to the ways of the world and when I was swinging single. True that! I didn't have a care in the world. I knew I had a home (my parents') to return to after my late nights out. I could date anyone I wanted and I could spend my days lazing around, watching every single sitcom, drama series or movies I wanted in my room and nobody would care! Religion? Well, I only started to out my foot down to perfect myself in my religious duties after I found out that I was carrying my baby boy in my tummy last year. Before that, I wasn't at all afraid when I had missed a prayer or when I wasn't a hijabi. I was what I would say now, a wreck.

Somehow or rather, I think God saw that I was worth saving and He salvaged me before I really lost myself. You know what He did? He gave me the heaviest and the most honourable position ever in this world. He made me a mother.

Being a mother has changed my mentality in so many things. In fact, it has largely changed me as a person. My priorities has taken a 360-degree turn, my view and perspectives on many things have differed from before, my meaning in life has changed. Some people around me have commented that I am obsessed with my son. The word 'obsessed' usually denotes negativity. But in this case, I am completely fine with it! Then again, I wouldn't say that I am obsessed with him. It's just that, his existence in my life has changed me...for the better! And I have no one but God to thank for. The way I see it, Lil' Muhammad has been sent as a mercy to me alone. For all the crap that I have done before, I find myself taking the road to repentence now. Sounds cheesy? Maybe. But I cannot lie about how I feel. My son has humbled me in so many ways and yet made me more resilient in the many challenges I face in life. You may ask me...how? Look here. This child here, he's a life. A new life. He has no sin. And he was sent to me for a reason and there can only be ONE reason. To be nurtured, developed and loved. To be taught the Straight way so that he grows up to be a better Muslim than I am. And I know, to do this, I cannot afford to do it alone because I don't have the ability. I need God's help. And as I become more aware that I have to answer for all my deeds, I have started to evaluate myself as much as I possibly can with every decision I make for my son, with every act I carry out for my son.

Lil' Muhammad at 11 months

Soon, I will be taking off on a family trip. Till now, I wish that I had no part in making this decision. What was I thinking!!! I will be taking my son to this place that I used to go to when I was still clad in my skimpiest of the skimpiest, doing things that would put the wrinklest frowns on any parent!!! I stamped part of my free-spirited history at that place and now I am taking my son there? I mean there are so many places I can take him to but nooooo...I have to take him to the Island of Jaslina's Book of 'FUN'! Nice move mummy dearest. I dread the approaching day. I really dread every second that ticks by, closing in to the day when I would have to pack his bags and shove him into the car and onto a trip that I wish would take us someplace else...like...Mecca...Medina...somewhere close to the heart. I won't even mind staying on and spending time and money doing up my new place. As the saying goes, 'Rumahku Syurgaku'. My home is my paradise.
It is my responsibility to decide for my son now while he is still young. I am ashamed to take my son there, I am ashamed of what I did to myself, not behaving respectably well as a Muslim woman at that place and now I am supposed to be proud and happy for taking my son there? A slap across the face is insufficient for this wrong decision that I had made. And for every wrong decision I make, I have to answer for it...whether it be to God or to myself. I strongly believe that every parent is a role model to his or her child. But I know I do not have the ability to turn back. Should they one day grow up and do things that you frown upon, before you even judge, ask yourself have you done it before when you were young yourself? Did you do anything to stop your child from following in your footsteps? If you did...kudos! If you didn't, then don't point the finger because you've got four pointing back at yourself. I always tell myself this.
Never make the mistake by assuming that your child is too young to learn anything or to notice anything. Our children are always learning, always observing.Some parents who might come across this post might be laughing their hats off thinking that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Laugh away. My child is mine. My decision is mine to make. My regrets are mine to shoulder. My grave is mine to dig. Live your life. I live mine.

I am happy to be a mother. I am happy to include my son in all my prayers because I pray to see him blossom under the eyes of his greatest and wisest educator, Allah. And as my son learns and goes through every challenge in his life, as his mother, I learn with him, I fall with him, I rise with him. Allah has placed this innocent life in my hands to guide him, to nurture him, to teach him the values of Islam. Allah has placed this innocent life in my hands, to change me, to humble me, to wake me up from the long meaningless slumber that I have been in for much too long. Allah has given me a chance to redeem myself. Today, I am a very tired and exhausted human being and I have many more years to come I know insyaallah. But I am much more contented with what I have and what I am going through. I am more resilient in many ways. I see past obstacles and challenges. Maybe I go through most of them with tears and heartaches and pain but I know that the end of the road is awaiting me with Allah's forgiveness and love.