It has been three weeks since I came back from the Blessed Lands. It was my second Umrah since 2007. I was fortunate to have had my VISA approved for the recent pilgrimage. From what I HAD heard, many applicants from Singapore were not able to make their Umrah last June. So Praise Be to Allah, I was one of the lucky few.
I was very nervous prior to the trip. I was afraid of Allah's Wrath upon me because of all my sins, my shortcomings, my broken covenants to Him. I was no longer the loudmouth, the arrogant, the strong. I was weak, I became a coward, I became afraid. Memories of terrible things that I had done played in my mind like a book with never-ending pages of my bad deeds. And I knew I was going to have to pay for them somehow on Allah's Blessed soil.
Then at this point, many might ask, why did I go then? Why was I so anxious and eager for my trip to be approved by the Saudi embassy? Why did I plan to go in the very first place if I already knew that I was going to pay for my bad deeds at the Haram where no sins are kept secret, where all sins are revealed if He Wills!
The answer is simple...I had to.
I knew, I was not really a bad person. No. But like many other human beings, I am weak. Weak and easily succumbed to the whisperings of the deceitful Shaytan. I was a victim of Shaytan. Today, I still am.
So the 'good' in me knew, I had to get away from the materialistic things of life. I had to drop all that Allah had given me as adornments in my life and go closer to Him and seek His Mercy and Forgiveness for being the Devil in me.
MADINAH
It was a long journey. But I reached there safely on 8 June 2014 at about 3.30am. When I saw the brightness illuminate from Masjid Nabawi in Madinah Munnarawah in the still and darkness of the night, when the Ustaz recited du'as and prayers in the coach, warm tears flowed down my cheeks. I was here. After 7 years, I was back. And all humbleness overtook me. In my self of self, I surrendered COMPLETELY to Allah, my Lord, my Maker. I was ready...to step into the Haram...to feel the closeness of my Beloved Prophet Muhammad Peace Be Upon Him, to feel the realness of the history of my beloved religion, Islam.
Being a Muslimah, I was not allowed to go close to the resting place of my beloved Prophet Muhammad Peace Be Upon Him. But I was blessed with a spacious area to establish my prayers in Raudah. While the barricades were high to block us, I could see the Mimbar where my beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had used to give his sermons. I could feel his presence and hopefully, from Paradise, he was happy with what he saw - his Ummah rushing to prayer, rushing with eagerness to plead for Mercy from the Almighty.
As I type these words, flashes of memories of my time in Masjid Nabawi play in my mind and I cry tears of heartache , missing the beautiful and grand Masjid where I had, at one moment, a chance to pray as if I was establishing my prayers in Paradise, God Willing. I cry tears of regret for not having done more, done better when I was there. I wish I had given more of me. I wish I had cried more. I wish I had felt more remorse and regret for my wrongdoings when I was there. I wish...but a wish too late.
With a heavy heart, on the fourth day, I said my goodbyes to Allah's Beloved. It was time to go on a bigger mission. It was time, to make my Umrah.
MAKKAH
Allah blessed my journey from Madinah to Makkah. It was a smooth one. Already when I had boarded the coach from Madinah, I had already felt so nervous, so anxious. I did not know what to expect though I had been to see the Qa'bah 7 years ago. I felt like a child waiting to open her present. I mentioned I was afraid at the beginning of my writing, yes? But no, strangely, I felt no fear. I felt only eagerness, anticipation. I was going to see the Qa'bah...again. I was going to be right at the spot where I had to face when I established my prayers back home. I was going to be at the centre of the earth. I was going to be where ALL MUSLIMS met in equality, in peace, in harmony, in a state of surrender to the one and only Creator of the Worlds.
Yes, the feeling was strange and it last throughout the journey on the road.
It just felt like...I...was going Home.
The pilgrims in my coach were told that we were going to wash up and have some food at the hotel before we would go to the Grand Mosque to perform Umrah. Ok...so there was still time. I told myself to look away from the mosque when the coach stopped in front of the hotel because it was located right beside the mosque. I did not want to look. I did not want to have to see the mosque or even catch a glimpse of the Qa'bah and then have to wait till hours later to come back to it. I wanted to be in awe when I saw the Qa'bah. I wanted to preserve the feeling of catching my breath with the Qa'bah in sight after so many years. And then coupled with that feeling, I wanted to stay and perform my Tawaf, my Sa'ee.
No, I would safe that feeling for later...after dinner when I would be performing my Umrah.
The time came. It took me awhile to adjust to the change of my surroundings since 7 years ago. A few escalators down from the lobby of the hotel and I would step onto the cool marble of the Grand Mosque of Allah in Makkah.
As usual, every prayer house in Islam is never dark, never dim, never eerie. The lights of the Grand Mosque shot into my eyes like spears. Yes...I was in awe of the grandness of Allah's House. I was nearing the Qa'bah. Soon, I will see the Qa'bah...again. Just a few more steps.
And when It was in sight, I felt weak in my limps, I felt like sudden surge of energy lost from my body, I felt like my spirit had taken a jolt of lightning and it had gone weak. I felt like my problems had all been washed away and Allah was right here, and I was right here...screaming inside for Allah to hold me tight and tell me...that I was home. I was home.
I cried. Like never before, I cried. Like a baby, I cried in the palms of my hands as I made my Tawaf. At that moment, my heart was a void. The other pilgrims passed by me like they were shadows. I did not feel them. I did not see them. I saw only the Qa'bah on my left and I heard only my sobs. I felt only plain submission and surrender. And that was all. That was enough for me to forget myself, to forget my life back home. THIS was my home.
My daily routine in Makkah was beautiful. It was submissive. It was pure surrender. It was pure worship. It was pure bliss. No worries, no fear, no arrogance, no haughtiness. I guarded my tongue. I pleaded for Allah's help to guard my tongue from 'wagging like a dog', from spouting evil and untruths. I pleaded for Allah's help to grant me patience, a virtue I lack. And He answered my every prayer. He heard and He answered. He accepted my pleas for blinding my heart to the distractions and the bad around me when I was there because I saw only the good. Allah protected me from evil within myself and around me. My days in Allah's Grand Mosque were like a page out of my book of life. The only perfect page that I would like to read over and over and over again. 
Needless to say, my heart broke when I had to leave on 17 June 2014. It pains me to write about my goodbye to the Qa'bah and to the glorious Grand Mosque of Allah. So I shall not dwell on it here.
As I cried my last tears after Tawaf Wada'...I vowed to Allah that I would never let the flame of faith die in me. I would forever keep the memory of Qa'bah in my heart, in my soul and carry on with life ONLY to do deeds to earn Allah's Pleasure. And where I should fail, I would beg Him for His Forgiveness and Mercy and keep myself, 24 7... in a state of remorse, regret and complete submission to The Almighty...to The Rab of the Worlds.
Here I end, my story of my homes, Madinah and Makkah. But I would never stop missing them and praying for my return...to where I truly belong.
Assalamualaikum...to whom I have had the honour and pleasure of sharing this celestial and honourable experience, Willed only by Allah.
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